Yes, No, Maybe So
by Scorpiokagamine
Summary: Sean thinks back on his unrequited love


_**A/n: in all honesty, this is more of a challenge to myself to see if I can write something T rated. I mean, it's not that hard- up until the point when you want to add in more romance and you don't see any other way except bordering on sexual activities. Gah, this fanfics is horrible, I know. But I had to give it a try…**_

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For someone to understand what it means to stand on their own two feet, they must first understand what it means to fall.

For Sean, he didn't understand that until he was 15 and in love with his best friend.

At first he had just written it off as just curiosity. The teenage hormones in his body making all thoughts centered on his dick rather than schoolwork or family relationships. But he couldn't deny that his blood felt like it was burning as it coursed through his body, like the magma in the volcanos of his home. His heart raced when anyone touched him; be it the simple tap on the shoulder by a tourist girl asking for help or a pat on his shoulder.

It was something everyone had to deal with, he thought. Random crushes in the blink of the eye, thinking the girl who gave more than one glance in his direction could be the one, the only, and then feeling heartbreak when he never saw her again.

But that wasn't the case with his best friend.

"Duuude…" Ryan groaned, hesitant as he runs his fingers through Sean's hair. "I'm afraid to do this…" Sean tried not to lean back into Ryan's fingers, no matter how pleasurable it felt, how nice, how soothing. The crush he felt for Ryan had disappeared after the 9 years of making video after video, writing script after script. He saw Ryan at his worst and at his best, and his crush had faded to mere affection. A "Bromance," they called it.

Bromance.

Funny, how a simple word could mean so much. It meant the warm hugs shared between two best friends who've been through a lot together, meant the secret handshakes, the code words, the insider's jokes, meant the unspoken words left between each other. "Bromance." Two friends who didn't need a speech to explain how they felt, didn't need permission to cry on the others shoulder, didn't need to call the other when something was wrong because they already knew. They felt it. They heard the pain underneath the cheery voice, heard the happiness in the sarcastic tone, heard the innuendos, the jokes, and the playfulness.

The word meant that it was alright to be you in front of them, because they were just like you, thought like you, talked like you. They knew what you liked to do, what you liked to eat, where you liked to hide, how you are around others, what you liked to wear, what you didn't like, and flaunted that information with the ease of a whale in the water, lazy with their strokes, the flick of their tail.

Sean digresses.

He trusted Ryan. He won't deny the feelings he had for him. Won't deny the intense feeling back in Hawaii; the palm leaves, the sea breeze, the waves, and the sand didn't help. The feeling of paradise, of an island romance, weren't lost on him. Just because he was local didn't mean he couldn't feel it. It just wasn't as impacting as it was to a tourist.

He was alright with letting Ryan cut his hair and take a video of it. He was alright with Ryan posting it online, because in his mind he didn't care. Somewhere deep inside he knew he still felt something this side of romantic towards Ryan, just a little overstepping the boundary between "Bromance" and "Romance."

That same feeling was the reason why he wanted to lean into Ryan's fingers as he cut his hair, made him relax his muscles, made him not tense up when another of their friends walked in and made noises of shock and fear.

It was for the Bromance that he didn't lean into the soft touch. And yes, Ryan's clumsy fingers and the bite of the blade on his skin helped shock him from dwelling too long in his thoughts. Maybe fate was reminded him that the small crush he had on Ryan was just an unrequited love. That that was all it would ever be.

Sometimes at night, he thinks back to his 15th year of life. During that time, he had made a list of all the things he liked about Ryan, and all the things he didn't. One of his friends told him that it was the easiest was to tell if you were in love. And even now, he could remember every last bullet point, every last detail on the list. Strangely, there was more on the like side than the dislike.

He liked Ryan's smile, first off. It was easy to tell when he was fake smiling or when he was actually smiling. When he actually smiled, it reached his eyes, or rather, his whole face. Fake smiled were just a curve of the lip, a small grin or a smirk. Nowadays, he mastered faking a real smile, but back then, it was so easy to tell.

He liked Ryan's teeth, second. Perfectly straight and pearly white, they were beautiful to stare at. Even now, he has to catch himself from staring too long.

He liked Ryan's ADHD. He liked how he couldn't sit still, because that meant there was never a boring moment around him. Each moment shared between them was better than the last; he found himself laughing more and more around Ryan than with any of his other friends.

He liked how quirky his best friend was, how he was up for any idea or suggestion the two made between them. How he always thought about the other person, minded himself around others, but kept that same feeling of quirky, the tiny feeling of strange that made people like him all the more.

Most of all, he liked how well they were in synch. How it seemed they always thought the same thing, said the same thing, do the same thing, at the same time. Later it helped further prove how great friends they were, but back then it was the basis of all the feelings he had for Ryan.

Look how good we are together. Look how great we get along. This is the best thing that could ever happen-

All these little things were like the rocks the goddess of volcanos and fire grabbed in Hawaiian mythology, the same rocks the goddess threw at her sister- her sister, goddess of the seas, who just soaked up every angry blow, every stone and pebble her sister threw at her until the island of Hawaii as built, much like his heartfelt fillings for Ryan.

Sean won't deny that there are something's he doesn't like about Ryan. Sometimes he was annoying. Sometimes his ideas weren't the best. But the option of turning back was thrown out the window the moment he fell-hard-for Ryan. He had to stay, had to take care of him, had to be there for him. If he wasn't, the guilt would settle on his chest like a boulder.

Maybe they were like that one story his mother used to tell him, the one he often told tourists or heard as he passed by them; the story of the two lovers. The ones that his sister used to beg his mother to tell her every night.

The first was of the man who the goddess of volcanos fell in love with. But the man was already married, so she turned him into an ugly tree for resisting her. The wife was so heartbroken that the other gods turned her into the beautiful flower that is constantly beside that tree, much like he stays beside Ryan. And just as the rain comes when you pluck the flower and sperate them, so does the tears in his eyes as he thinks back to the time when Ryan left for college in Nevada and left him in Hawaii.

Don't go…

Or maybe they were more like the second story, the one with the princess who fell in love with the commoner. Since they could never marry, they parted; the princess leaving for the mountains and the commoner staying beside the sea. But on their last day together, the commoner reached and grabbed flower in the princess hair, ripped it apart, and gave half of it to her. The flowers themselves wept for the two, and split themselves in half because of it.

As he hisses at another sharp pain in the back of his head (thanks to Ryan), he think back to when they were 18 and graduating. Once he heard of Ryan's plan to study in Nevada, he had dragged him out to the ocean so they could place their lei's in the ocean. Traditions said if you returned the necklace to the ocean, hopefully someday you'll comeback.

Sean wished desperately that this one tradition worked.

And it did, in a funny sort of way. Instead of Ryan coming back, Sean found his way to him.

After a few years, they began again.

Followers on Youtube seemed to shout in joy. But Sean-

Sean cried tears of happiness of seeing his best friend again.

"_**Salvation will come when desired…**_

…_**in the most unexpected way."**_

Distance makes a lovers heart grow fonder. But for Sean, it made him realize.

For someone to stand on their own two feet, they must first fall.

Yeah. Sean knew that.

Of course, you can't just fall half-way. You have to reach rock bottom first before you stand.

Sean was past that.

And once you rise, you must rise complete and stand strong, unmoving like a sea wall as the waves crash upon it.

Sean was halfway there. As Ryan let out a surprised laugh over a certain cut he made with the scissors, Sean felt shivers run down his spine. He was like the rock on the sea wall, gently eroding away by way of Ryan's waves. Ryan as shaping him, making him into a better person, even if the whole haircut thing wasn't something to go by. He'd chalk it off as being 20 and doing stupid things later.

But Ryan was showing him how to be a best friend. How to be a better person, how to care. He was showing him the kindness only a friend can give the companionship of two-liked minded beings. There was no way he could ever repay that in full, and he found that he didn't really want to. He just wanted to stay and make video's like old times, stay and laugh with Ryan again. Maybe someday in the future, he'll confess that he once was in love. Maybe. Yes, no, maybe so.

But for now, he has to worry about getting his hair cut again.

(No offense, Ryan.)


End file.
